A Different Approach to My Second Maternity Leave
Episode 463 | Author: Emilie Aries
Three ways I’m adjusting my priorities this time around.
As professional go-getters, we’re all about leveraging past experiences the next time around. I’m discovering that’s true in motherhood, as well! Today’s episode drops as I enter my third trimester and, not surprisingly, I’ve been thinking a lot about my maternity leave and what the lives of myself, my husband Brad, and our toddler Max will look like after this second baby comes in September.
When I was pregnant with Max in 2021, I released a number of episodes on motherhood and work. I did my due diligence (or so I thought!), interviewing experts, reading all the books, and contemplating work/life balance—and yet still, in retrospect, I felt woefully unprepared for what was to come.
This time, my confidence is higher, my expectations lower, and I know that whatever happens next, I am grateful to have an amazing support system to lean on. Within all of this reflection, I’ve noticed three ways I’m approaching this upcoming maternity leave differently. Whether you’re a one-child family, considering your first, or have a whole brood, it’s never too late to let past experiences inform future ones.
A different angle to saving for baby
When I was preparing for my first mat leave, I was self-employed, and Colorado had not yet released their state-funded paid parental leave insurance program. As a result, I was laser-focused on saving up to fund my 3-month leave myself.
Rising Cost of Child Care
This time around, paid leave from my employer and my state make a big difference, but all of that pales in comparison to the astronomically rising cost of child care. Between finding care for a newborn and continuing to pay for Max’s early childhood education, next year we’re looking at upwards of $50,000 in child care costs next. We’re not alone in this, mind you. This jaw-dropping number is becoming the norm for households with two working parents who both want to stay in the paid workforce. Needless to say, that’s where our financial focus is for the foreseeable future.
A focus on the postpartum period
During my previous pregnancy, I was absolutely fixated on labor and birth, as though that was the finish line. This time, I keep reminding myself that I have minimal control over that part. Of course I’m taking the recommended actions, but my mind is more focused on how I can facilitate as peaceful a postpartum period as possible once the baby arrives.
For one thing, I plan to make the most of my amazing support system. While we didn’t register for baby gifts, a friend of mine has offered to arrange a meal train, which I will absolutely take her up on. Not having to plan dinners for a few weeks will take an enormous weight off as we navigate wrangling an infant and a toddler.
I’m lucky to have so many people in my circle who will gladly come by and hold the baby while I nap or shower, too, and this time around I’m going to be more proactive about asking for that kind of support.
A new approach to nesting
If you’ve never been pregnant, let me tell you: the nesting urges are real! My husband and I took an unorthodox (and definitely not advisable) approach last time: we bought our house when Max was just 8 days old. That is not happening this time around. Instead, we’re focusing our energy on maximizing the small but lovely house we have here in Denver that Brad and I have worked so hard to make a home.
I decided early on to forgo putting together a traditional nursery, especially since I know the baby’s going to be in our bedroom for months on end anyway. Instead, as my overloaded Pinterest board attests, I am directing my nesting inclinations toward creating family-friendly spaces where the four of us can hang out together. I want to create spaces where Max can enjoy some independent play while the rest of us relax nearby, both indoors and out. If anyone has suggestions for making this happen, please send them my way!
In general, during this pregnancy and mat leave prep, I’m all about being gentler and less ambitious with my goals. That’s challenging for me. If these hot takes resonate with you, wherever you’re at in your child-filled or child-free life, give this episode a listen. I dive deeper into the child care crisis in our country and share some all-too-relatable anecdotes—we’re in this together, after all!
What are your thoughts on how I’m approaching motherhood the second time around? What advice or lessons do you have to share?? Join our Courage Community on Facebook or our group on LinkedIn to weigh in. I would love to hear what you did ahead of having a baby to help dial back the inevitable intensity of the experience!
Related Links From Today’s Episode:
Episode 434, The Economic Imperative of Affordable Childcare
Episode 332, 5 Things to Keep In Mind When Financially Preparing For a Baby
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EMILIE: Hey, and welcome to the Bossed Up podcast, episode 463. I'm your host, Emilie Aries, the Founder and CEO of Bossed Up. And as of a few weeks ago on this very podcast, I shared that I am expecting my second child
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due this September, just like my first and just like myself, September's gonna be a busy month for birthdays in my house. But the countdown is officially on, right? We just have a few weeks left, it feels like already, and I'm recording this at 23 weeks pregnant in early June. And one of the things that's been really striking to me, just in my own head, honestly, is how differently I feel like I'm approaching the whole preparing for maternity leave concept.
Back in 2021, when I was expecting Max, I did a lot of episodes on motherhood and work, trying to really prepare as best I could, reading a lot of books, interviewing a ton of experts, thinking about work life balance, thinking about all kinds of things. And still I felt woefully underprepared when Max came along.
This time around, I honestly am feeling a lot more confident. Not that I know what kind of baby I'm going to get, but that I know whatever comes our way, whatever happens next, there are ways that I can be prepared to lean on my support systems more and really think about how we will navigate what comes next.
I would be very curious to hear from parents who have more than one child already, parents who've decided to have one and only, or folks who are on the fence about having children at all, like how you would react to this. But there are three main ways that I am approaching the second maternity leave a little differently than the first.
My first main point here is saving for childcare. I did a whole episode years ago now on financially preparing for baby. And the environment has really changed since then. I am grateful beyond words to have access to paid parental leave now. Not only because I took on a real job, I took on a full time job that comes with those benefits. Woohoo. But also because the state of Colorado has a wonderful state funded paid parental leave insurance program, that I have access to in addition to paid parental leave via my workplace, my employer now.
And so even as a small business owner and employer myself, we all have access to great benefits that I didn't have the first time around. That is huge in terms of cost savings for me and my family, and I'm super duper grateful for it.
So while that feels good financially, I am completely daunted by the childcare bill that is going to be coming our way. I was doing the math on, like, what our plans could be and what they might look like for next year. Knowing that Max is in full time daycare, that is really just early childhood education. It's not just daycare. It's, like, school, that he absolutely loves at a provider that I absolutely adore, but that costs $1,700 a month. And the baby is going to need care in a higher touch capacity before they reach the age of one, at which time they can go to Max's school, which I am very much interested in because I love Max's school.
So that gives us, like, a nine month period of probably going with a nanny or a nanny share like we did with Max, and that'll run us about $2,500 a month, which is just laughable when you say it out loud. So you add those two numbers together, that's 50 grand a year plus, that we're going to be spending in childcare next year. Whoo. That's a college tuition, right? And to be clear, it was not always like this.
My mom, every time I talk about the cost of childcare, is like, how the h*** did we do it? And I have to remind her that back in 1990, when she had a me and my older brother in the eighties, and then a couple years later, a decade later, actually, in 97, she had another child, my little brother Ethan. And then a year later, another child, her fourth child, Isabel. You know, the four of us were not only in a much different situation in terms of having neighbors who could provide free care after school, but childcare costs were just radically different.
There was a fascinating study out of the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the BLS Consumer Price Index Analysis, and they found that since 1990, childcare costs have risen 214%, 214%, which is faster than the cost of anything else, like anything else in America, housing, groceries, all other items, childcare costs are, like, way higher on this crazy looking chart that I'm looking at that I'll put into today's blog post. And that was a survey done in 2021, three years ago now. I wonder how much more that has increased since this first came out.
And I did an entire episode on the economic impact of America's lack of affordable childcare, and it's very real. I'll link to that in today's show notes as well. But I am spending every ounce of financial privilege that I have right now on squirrelling away a nanny fund for the baby in the first year of their life, because childcare costs, starting next year for my family will be astronomical. And I know that I'm clear eyed about that. That's part of the reason why I have increased my income by getting a full time job in addition to running this business. And I'm very grateful that I feel able to do that. But holy moly, just barely. Just barely.
And I'm really excited to be a mom of multiple children. I'm really excited to grow my family. I really love having a family. And that childcare bill is so freaking prohibitive for so many of us that I can understand and fully respect people's choice to not pursue this. I just wonder, is it really a choice? Is that really a personal choice if the system makes it so financially impossible for people to access what they need to both have a child and work? Cause guess what else? I love working. Just to be clear, I love being a mom and I love working. And I love that Max has quality childcare. I think $1,700 bucks a month in Denver is actually pretty affordable too, but it just that s*** adds up. And our household is going to be feeling that for the next few years, no doubt.
So the bottom line here is I am less financially focused on saving for my own self funded parental leave, thank god, because I have access to benefits this time around. And it's so funny to read my old post from 2021, financially preparing for a baby where we really get into the funds and the numbers around everything. And I woefully underestimated just how big of an impact childcare costs would have on our household. So that's where I'm focused with any ounce of surplus that we have to squirrel away right now.
The other major shift in my brain is that I'm less focused on birth and more focused on the postpartum period this time around. I mean, I've talked at length with Brad about this, but last time around I was so fixated on birth as this like, marathon finish line to get to, at the end of pregnancy that I spent. It was actually really hard for me to envision whatever the h*** was about to come next. And looking back, I mean, man did postpartum just slap me in the face on so many different levels.
But what I'm trying to do this time, I'm not trying to ignore birth. I had a great birth experience last time and I hope for the same this time around. I'm trying to do all the things and all the stretches and stay active and eat dates and all that stuff, and I'm trying to do all the right things to prepare my body as best I can, but I also know how very little control we have over how birth turns out.
Instead of focusing so much on birth, I'm really thinking a lot about how can I set myself up to actually enjoy the postpartum, period. Maybe that's too ambitious of me, but I just want a little more peace and ease than we had last time. And last time was really hard because Max had all kinds of breastfeeding issues. So as I've been talking about that with Brad, I was like, I am feeling way less committed to breastfeeding. Not because I don't think it's a great thing to do, but if it's gonna take a huge toll on my mental health, on my ability to sleep, on my baby's happiness, f*** it, we're just gonna get some formula. Like, we're just gonna have formula on hand. It's gonna be the nicest formula I can afford, but it's gonna be formula. And, like, I'm just mentally giving myself permission now to normalize that. If that ends up being our path forward.
I'm also thinking beyond the postpartum period as it relates to breastfeeding, just about support in general. You know, we didn't do a registry. We had a baby shower for Max, but it was more of a party, and it was awesome, and I loved every moment of it. But I don't really love, like, asking for gifts from friends very much. It made me uncomfortable. So we didn't really do the whole registry thing. I didn't feel like we needed it. I don't feel like we need that now. But I do feel like a meal train is something I'm going to pursue. A girlfriend of mine offered to set one up for us, and I just think having a communal approach to having meals on the docket for just the first couple weeks of that baby's life is going to provide so much relief. But that's one less thing I have to think about, is, like, what's for dinner every night?
And if that means we have to look into, like, paid meal services, I'm definitely exploring that as well, as a substitute to getting to the grocery store with a newborn and a toddler. You know, it just does not seem feasible. And it also just means I'll be more thoughtful when it comes to asking for help from my amazing support network here. I am very lucky to be surrounded by family. My parents, my little sister, my little brother are all nearby, and I truly didn't know what to ask of them last time.
So this time around, I'm going to be asking who wants to come over just for a day and park themselves here and hold the baby while I do all the things that I haven't had a chance to do, including maybe shower or nap. Right? Like, who wants to go to the grocery store for us? Who wants to make dinner for us? I will be more forthright this time around about asking for help from friends and family and making sure that the help I'm asking for is connected to our basic needs, like sleep, food, and the occasional shower, and maybe even cleaning. Right?
Like, the house already feels like it's getting on top of me. I don't know what the right word is there, but the laundry's piling up and the dishes are piling up. And I am used to keeping a very tidy house, and it really stresses me out when I'm living in my own filth. So maybe there's an opportunity to bring in some more support on that front. I just don't know if, like, if that is in the cards budget wise, but I'm just trying to make sure that my maternity leave is what I'm thinking the most about. Not just thinking about birth itself and not a moment beyond that, which is exactly what I really struggled with last time. I just could not envision what would come next.
This time around, I feel much more prepared to do what's in my control now to make the postpartum period easier. And the final way that I'm conceiving of this maternity leave differently is when it comes to nesting. You know, Brad and I bought the house that we live in now when Max was eight days old. So the first thing we've both committed to is that we are not moving in the postpartum period, because that was really hard. And Brad has done so much to make this house a home since we've moved here two and a half years ago.
In fact, he finished a ton of renovations this year that he'd been working on in our house. It feels, oh, my gosh, so much nicer. Just feels like we have this space that feels much more functional and peaceful to be in.
But beyond that, when it comes to nesting, I am not worrying about a nursery. We have a situation in which we don't really have a dedicated nursery for the new baby. And I do not care one bit about that. That baby is going to be in our bedroom, in Brad and I's bedroom for a while. And so we've got the crib set up, or the cradle, rather, that'll be in there. And I am not sweating about having to figure out a nursery situation. We have a guest bedroom that's also my home office. I'd like to keep it that way and eventually plop him or her in with Max, because Max has a great size bedroom, and I loved sharing a bedroom with my siblings growing up.
But you know what? That is a problem for a way different day. So I'm not stressed out at all about building out a nursery. What I am thinking about, with all the nesting energy that is so biologically real, y'all like, I have thought a lot about the house lately. It's got to be this, like, primal instinct that is wired into expecting moms. You want to make sure your house is, like, ready for baby. And what I've been thinking about is nesting for two. Nesting not only for the baby, but really nesting for my toddler.
I'm thinking specifically about setting up play zones that are toddler friendly and family friendly. Like, we have a wonderful backyard, but it's not a place where Max has anything that like, creates the opportunity for independent play. And so I've been thinking a lot about, okay, if we're going to be sitting out in the backyard with the baby and the whole family, where can Max hang out? That would be fun. And so I'm on Pinterest, like, all the time now. That's, like, toddler friendly backyard play zones, because I want to make sure that we can hang out together, that it's not like me and the baby in one room and Brad and Max in another place hanging out.
I want there to be communal spaces that are infant friendly and toddler friendly. So, my god, if anyone has thoughts or advice on that front, I am all ears. Send me all the inspo pics, because we have a small house. It's a lovely house, and I'm very grateful for it. And it's in a city, right? It's a city house, and we have a lovely park right next to us, but it's a small space, and so I'm trying to be smart about how we utilize that space in a way that's really optimized for toddler friendly fun and a place that we can all hang out together.
So, man, I don't know how people do this, though, because toddlers and babies are really different. And the things that get my toddler excited right now are like, all choking hazards for a newborn. So we'll see. We'll figure it out. I'm just really. I'm trying to be a lot more gentle with myself this time around, and less ambitious, which is not like me. In fact, I have to restrain myself in terms of ambition at this time in my life. I'm like, just chill. Maybe we can try that for just a moment and see how that goes.
But yeah, that's how I've been really approaching this process differently. I'd be very curious to hear from you, if you've been here before, what did you do to set yourself up for a peaceful parental leave? And this is interesting from either a man or a woman's perspective, so I'd be curious for both. Like, what are you most grateful for that you did ahead of the arrival of baby? Stocking your freezer, you know, prepping as best you can to try to make that pretty intense time in your life that feels like a blur. In retrospect, a little less intense.
I am all ears. I am aiming for peace and ease and will take all the good vibes that, you know, you can send my way, because this whole motherhood and balancing it all with a career is not for the faint of heart. But it has been a very joyful, overflowing plate over these past few years.
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As always, I want to hear from you, so let's keep the conversation going in the Bossed Up Courage Community on the Facebook or in the Bossed Up group on LinkedIn. And my inbox is always open at emilie@bossedup.org, until next time, let's keep bossin’ in pursuit of our purpose. And together, let's lift as we climb.
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