Episode 322 | Author: Emilie Aries

Is it possible to lead with authority and kindness?

It’s an age-old problem. Should you lead with authority, competence, and power? Or empathize with others, set a welcoming tone, and lead with care and compassion?

As a woman leader, it often feels like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, no matter which path you choose!

One member of our Courage Community on Facebook recently shared a post that felt all too familiar:

“I had an interview today. The male interviewer said in the past with his experience working with me, I come off [as] contentious. In the past female interviewers provided feedback that I am not direct. Is there ever a happy median?”

The Leadership-Likeability Trade-Off

This experience is unfortunately common, especially as women rise into positions of more responsibility and leadership. Social scientists coined a term - the leadership-likeability double bind - to describe this frustrating reality: the more a woman demonstrates leadership qualities like assertiveness, the less likeable she’s deemed, by both men and women alike.

This is a balancing act I’m constantly discussing with our Level Up Leadership Accelerator leaders, many of whom are aspiring or new team managers. We’re constantly sharing resources, struggles, and wins when it comes to finding balance between leading with emotional intelligence and speaking up assertively.

The Warmth-Competence Model

One theory in that I often find myself calling upon in these situations is what’s known as the warmth-competence model.

Also sometimes referred to as the stereotype content model, here’s what it boils down to:

“When we judge others—especially our leaders—we look first at two characteristics: how lovable they are (their warmth, communion, or trustworthiness) and how fearsome they are (their strength, agency, or competence). Although there is some disagreement about the proper labels for the traits, researchers agree that they are the two primary dimensions of social judgment.” (HBR)

What this often boils down to are two important questions we ask ourselves about just about everyone:

First: what are their intentions towards me? Helpful or harmful?
And second: are they actually capable of acting on them?

Naturally, these are pretty self-protectionist judgements we’re making, so it’s no wonder they loom large in our minds. In fact, some psychologists have found “that these two dimensions account for more than 90% of the variance in our positive or negative impressions we form of the people around us.”

What does this mean for leaders?

How people judge your warmth and competence have big implications for how they’ll feel about you overall: both whether they’ll like you and whether they’ll respect you.

People who are seen with high warmth but low competence engender pity and sympathy. Think of the elderly or a newborn baby. You may deem them sweet-natured and innocent, but also harmless and in need of support. This same level of pity may manifest at work towards colleagues or leaders who are kind but not competent - think Kevin Malone from The Office.

People who are seen as having low warmth and low competence are looked down on with contempt and disgust. The “frenemy” who simply cannot seem to stop dating toxic people and getting fired from her job, and also doesn’t show up for you when you need her most might cause you to give up on them or simply cast them aside. At work, this might manifest in the form of a colleague who’s both mean-spirited or selfish and bad at their job. Think Ryan Howard from The Office.

Now, with higher levels of competence, things get much more interesting, especially as it relates to being a leader.

People who are seen as having low warmth but high competence elicit jealousy and envy. That person on Instagram who’s got her whole life and career together but can’t seem to remember your name when you run into her, yet again, at an industry conference? She might stir up the little green monster inside you - and you’re not going to feel warm towards her. She may be good at her job and all, but you won’t admire her for it. Quite the contrary, actually. Think Angela Martin of The Office.

People who are seen as having high warmth and high competence are viewed with pride and admiration. These are the folks who are kind and warm, but also good at what they do - certainly a tricky balance to strike, but one that pays off in a big way! These are the celebrities who are labeled as “down to earth” despite their rising fame and the executive leaders who take time to get to know the summer interns by name. Making a character comparison from The Office for this one is next to impossible, since all those characters are hilariously flawed for comedic effect, but I guess Jim Halpert might fit the bill, even if he didn’t always demonstrate competence when it comes to being a paper salesman.

Bottom Line: Connect, Then Lead

Despite rising leaders' natural inclination to show competence first and foremost in order to demonstrate their capabilities and win respect, beginning with warmth is so important.

As researchers Amy Cuddy, Matthew Kohut, and John Neffinger put it in the Harvard Business Review: “A growing body of research suggests that the way to influence—and to lead—is to begin with warmth. Warmth is the conduit of influence: It facilitates trust and the communication and absorption of ideas. Even a few small nonverbal signals—a nod, a smile, an open gesture—can show people that you’re pleased to be in their company and attentive to their concerns. Prioritizing warmth helps you connect immediately with those around you, demonstrating that you hear them, understand them, and can be trusted by them.”

This is part of the reason I always suggest leaders in my Speak Up assertive communication program incorporate personal storytelling at the beginning of an important talk, tough conversation, or team meeting. Before people can absorb the brilliant ideas in your head, they need to know the motivation in your heart.

Now, is this strategy going to immediately eliminate the multi-faceted double standards that women leaders are held to every day? Unlikely. But as I always say: this is about playing the cards we’ve been dealt while we work to change the rules of the game. Let this serve as a reminder that when you do find yourself rising in the ranks, growing your leadership, power, and authority: people don’t just want to see your competence, it’s your kindness that counts just as much.